Bush to Sign 'No-Death' Bill

Friday, April 1, 2005; 6:05 a.m. EDT

WASHINGTON D.C.-- Terri Schiavo, the severely brain-damaged woman whose condition sparked an epic legal, medical and political battle that has gripped America, died yesterday, 13 days after her feeding tube was removed by the wishes of her husband and the orders of several courts.

News of her death prompted wailing and praying from the religious-right, who wanted to keep her alive, as both the president, George Bush, and the Vatican expressed their concern at the circumstances of Ms Schiavo's death.

Outraged over the courts decision to allow the removal of Terri's feeding tube, Republican congressmen met in a rushed congressional session to draft an emergency bill that would prevent the courts from ever again allowing the natural death of vegetative state brain damaged citizens.

George Bush, in full agreement with the provisions of the bill, promised to sign it as soon as Congress submits the bill to him.
The bill, called the "Terri Schiavo No-Death bill," will force all Americans who sustain partial brain damage (including permanent vegetative states, or PVS) to remain alive so long as science can keep them living, regardless of their will to die. This, in effect, would annul all living wills, once the bill is signed.
In order to meet the conditions of the bill, George Bush will sign an executive order to release 187 billion dollars for the design and building of medical centers throughout the country for the purpose of storing the bodies of brain damaged patients for as long as medical science can keep them alive. According to Senate Majority Leader and doctor Bill Frist, "Partially damaged brain victims should be able to live for dozens of years, perhaps as long as 200 years." Frist, a cardiologist, proved his medical ability last week with his God given and uncanny ability to diagnose patients suffering from brain damage by simply looking at a videotape of Terri and forming a conclusion, all without requiring a first-hand medical examination.
Frist, a coauthor of the bill, also disagreed with the word "permanent" in the traditional PVS label. According to Frist, "Only God and I know whether victims will remain in a permanent vegetative condition or not. From now on PVS will be deemed, 'Partially Vegetative State,' and the new centers will be called "PVS centers" (but to the religious-right insiders, they are called, "Eternal Tabernacles").
According to the bill, Every PVS center will be accompanied by a government priest to administer prayers everyday for the PVS victim's salvation. This will require a Department of Prayer-and-Salvation which will call for the recruitment of hundreds of government faith-based priests. There is rumor on the Hill that Randall Terry will head the department.
There is also a push among conservative Republicans to add an amendment to the Constitution that would make the No-Death bill a permanent Constitutional law of the land.
Democrat critics of the new bill claim that the results of this new law would overpower the U.S. budget and the money would be better spent on universal health care so as to prevent such conditions as PVS. But the religious-right leaders and the Vatican disagree, claiming that God and Bush should err on the side of life. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, (a California Democrat and liberal) strongly objected and remarked, "If Bush wants to err on the side of life, what about the thousands of deaths that has occurred because of his illegal war in Iraq, which includes the deaths of innocent women and children?" Republicans upset by Pelosi's objection, had her promptly arrested and thrown in jail.
Concerned citizens called for Bush to explain the reasoning for this action. In a press conference Friday night, president Bush, who also suffers from PVS, said, "Don't worry, folks. Polls will show that 85.6% of the public will favor this law." A Gallup poll will be released next Sunday that will prove the president correct, White House officials said.
The Republican run congress promises to deliver the bill to the president by April 15th, so once Bush signs the bill, American citizens, the courts, and the Democrats will have to abide by the law. Dissenters will be prosecuted. The full penalty for disobeying the law would result in its dissenters undergoing a forced medical PVS procedure and a life long storage in one of the Eternal Tabernacles.

News item filed by cub-reporter, Jim Walker.
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