Shocking Revelation: The Pope Named Himself After Francis The Talking Mule, NOT Francis of Assisi

Italian Reporter Interviews The New Pope

Monday, April 1, 2013; 7:25 AM ET

Pope Francis

VATICAN CITY- In a special interview with the new Pope, Mario Buzzati, a reporter from  Italy's newspaper, Corriere della Sera, asked former cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, why he chose his new papal name from Francis of Assisi. The Pope responded, "Oh, but I didn't name myself after Francis of Assisi, I named myself after Francis the talking mule." The Pope added, "You see, Francis the talking mule was a popular film series in the 1950s that I enjoyed watching as young man. I used to laugh, and laugh at that mule. I want to become the first funny Pope in history and I thought it would be funny to name myself after a talking mule."

Unfortunately, the TV and news media jumped the gun when it was first announced that the new Pope named himself Francis. It was assumed, without checking sources, that he named himself after Francis of Assisi, the itinerant friar who founded the Franciscan Order and was known for his love of animals (especially female sheep). Now from this revealing interview, we find out that Jorge Bergoglio named himself after a fictional talking mule.

Not only was this news a shock for the Italian reporter, but it soon became apparent that it was also shocking for the Pope's handlers, and several cardinals who were in the same room at the time of the interview.

Although one of the cardinals tried to get the reporter to change the subject, the Pope continued to explain, "You must understand that although Francis the mule was a fictional character, the Bible records an actual talking donkey in Numbers 22:22-35..."

The Pope tried to continue, but the cardinals, who realized that this was embarrassing for the Catholic Church, rushed in and quickly stopped the interview.

Unfortunately, at this point things began to to get unpleasant. The Pope wanted to continue but a cardinal grabbed the microphone and pushed Buzzati to the ground. This resulted in a fist fight between the reporter's sound crew, and several cardinals. As Buzzati lay on the floor, he observed a blur of flaying arms and red capes swishing through the air. "No one was really hurt," Buzzati said after the melee, "but several cardinals had black eyes and mussed up hair." During the skirmish, Pope Francis was unhurt and was reported to be laughing and crying at the same time. His handlers quickly dragged him out of the room to prevent further embarrassment.

"This an embarrassment for the Vatican, and millions of Catholics around the world will now begin to realize that perhaps this new Pope is mentally unstable," said reporter Buzzati.

Not only did the Pope name himself after a talking mule, but he gave other hints of his bizarre form of "humor" during his coronation. Normally when a new Pope is announced, he wears a red robe upon first appearing at the balcony of St. Peter's basilica, but instead, Pope Francis was wearing a white gown designed by Vera Wang (Wang is a famous fashion designer known for her white bridal gowns). Shortly after his election he appeared in his Wang gown carrying flowers during his ceremony wedding to Jesus (the Pope traditionally represents the 'bottom' and Jesus, the 'top').

Pope wearing Vera Wang
Pope Francis with flowers during his wedding to Jesus wearing a gown designed by Vera Wang

The Catholic clergy usually chooses their vestments from an annual Catholic fashion show held at the Vatican (click here to see Federico Fellini's documentary on one of the fashion shows), but Pope Francis decided to go rogue and chose American fashion instead.

Pope Francis also appeared with a new papal vestment when he performed a homily  wearing a pajama-like buffoon outfit, similar to how clowns dressed in the 18th century.

Clown Pope
Pope Francis dressed as a buffoon

In another embarrassing incident that happened last Thursday, Pope Francis was seen kissing and licking the feet of a dozen poor children at a juvenile detention center. Secret Vatican insiders admit that the Pope has an extreme foot fetish and the dirtier the feet the better. This is why he prefers fondling the filthy feet of young poor people rather than the clean feet of wealthy old people. Vatican officials, however, are trying to defuse the incident by claiming that the Pope is simply reenacting Jesus' washing of his male disciples feet.

Pope kissing foot
Pope Francis smothering his face in a foot of a minor

After learning about the poor sanitary conditions in the bathrooms and plugged toilets in the juvenile detention center, the Pope offered to become a holy living toilet for the inmates. Laying prostrate on his back, he opened his mouth to receive the ultimate sacrifice in communion while reciting a verse from the Bible (II Kings 18:27). "He seemed to be in ecstasy," one observer noted. Vatican officials quickly stopped the event and, again, dragged the Pope to another room. One embarrassed Vatican official attempted to explain the Pope's action as simply wanting to serve the poor in any way he can.

"He did warn us" said Vatican spokesman Father Thomas Rosica, just after he was elected: "He said may God forgive you for what you've done." Little did the cardinals realize that they had just elected a fetish clown pope.

The new pontiff has come under strong pressure from the Curia, the governing body of the Church, to explain his antics but since the Pope is the highest authority of the Church, there's nothing much that can be done. Curiously, the Church refuses to acknowledge the Pope's confession, and still insists that he named himself after Francis of Assisi (of course the Catholic Church is known for its propaganda techniques as it invented the term in the 1600s in its Congregatio de Propaganda Fide).

Pope Francis also exhibited other mental problems when he refused to live in the grand papal apartment and, instead, wanted to live in a room at a Motel 6 because he liked to sleep with the light on (Motel 6's slogan is  "We'll leave the light on for you.") There are no Motel 6s in Italy so, instead, his handlers put him in the Casa Santa Marta hotel near St. Peter's Basilica (known to house mental patients) where his handlers can keep an eye out for him. The Church press insists that he just wants to live a life of poverty as did Francis of Assisi, but the handlers close to him know differently.

Expectations were high for this new Pope but now Catholics around the world will have to confront the idea that their new spiritual leader may be an insane buffoon, but then again, has there ever been a sane Pope?