Homeland Security Department Toilets
All toilets will be watched by TSA security agents

November 17, 2010; 6:45 AM ET

According to Homeland Security Department officials, all public toilets in transportation terminals in the U.S. will be converted into bladder evacuation sites.

Because of recent terrorist threats, all airports now ban liquid containers, and since a human bladder is also a liquid container, they must also be checked, so says TSA security experts. "Urine contains acids which can be used in some explosive materials," said Fred Witherberry, a spokesman for the Homeland Security Department.

Each public bathroom will also have an armed TSA attendant supplied by the Justice division of the Homeland Security Department to insure that the procedure will be carried out efficiently. If passengers fail to comply with the bladder evacuation process, the TSA attendant will have the authority to arrest non-compliers. Remember the U.S. motto: "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists," (Bush address to Congress, 01 Sept. 2001)

Furthermore, a camera above each toilet will allow security observers to watch and record passengers urinating. Each urinal will also contain sensing devices which can measure the amount of urine deposited. If the discharge falls below  2 milliliters, an alarm will sound and the security agent will visually inspect the individual's bladder with a catheter scope (a tube-like device with a small camera that is inserted into the urethra and into the bladder to inspect fluid volumes).


A model public urinal area being tested by the Homeland Security Department.

The TSA is also experimenting with futuristic robotic urinals, called RoboUrinals. The model below contains an upclose security camera connected to CIA supercomputers located in Washington D.C. If the tests prove successful, the Homeland Security Department may implement them in the future in all public transportation rest rooms.


An experimental RoboUrinal proposed for future security measures.

These robots will reduce the bladder inspection time by using auto-insertion catheters, thus freeing the security bathroom attendants from the unpleasant job.

Homeland Security Department experts don't think the public will object because they offer, yet another, security method for preventing terrorist attacks and keeping the citizens safe. As Fred Witherberry explained, "Americans have shown a willingness to sacrifice a little liberty for safety, such as the ban on liquid containers. Surely they will understand that this is just one more tiny sacrifice to make."

The film recordings of urinations will be held in secret and not divulged to the public. Only members of the Homeland Security Department, FBI, CIA, the Executive branch, GOP leaders, members of Congress (and a few of their close friends), and leading church members have free access to the films.

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