Questions About The Newly Issued American Biohazard Suits

On October 13, a press conference was given by Federal officials to concerned citizens to allow questions about the controversial law that orders all Americans to wear biohazard suits. The press conference began with the Pledge of Allegiance, the singing of "God Bless America" and a prayer and was then opened to questions from citizens.

Q: Thank you for your concern about our safety. During my childhood, I always wanted to look like a space man, now I'll get the chance. Can I get my suit in any color? --Fred Hingle

A: Indeed we want to protect all Americans. We've found that citizens infested with biological agents do not perform well on the job or in public service. We must fight terrorism wherever it appears. Our government cares. As for the color of the suits, they only come in transparent silver. We chose this color because we like the stylish astronaut look too and we believe the American public will like them also.

Q: What about our children? The suit you've displayed will not fit our children. --Susan Workinski

A: Good question Susan. Indeed we have thought of that. There will be three sizes of suits: small, medium and large. The small size should fit your children well.

Q: But my 3 month old infant son is only a few inches tall, how will he fit into even the smallest suit? --Susan Workinski

A: A 3 month old infant will not need to see out of the hood and can live comfortably in one of the pant legs. Next question.

Q: The law states that we will have to wear the suits at all times. If so, how do we go to the bathroom? -- Bob Ignots

A: Good question Bob. Not to worry. Simply go right in your suit! The design incorporates a unique Gravi-Drop™ method that uses the Einstein force to literally pull the excretions to the base of the suit. At the end of the day, simply open a spigot located at the foot of the suit and let it flow into one of our handy sanitary disposal units. Every American will also receive a disposal unit.

Q: Will this suit protect against anthrax and serin gas? --James Cornman

A: Yes indeed. These suits are not only beautiful and stylish, but they protect against most biological and poisonous gases.

Q: Won't the urine soak in our pant legs and socks, and what about the horrid stench? -- Bob Ignots

A: More good questions, Bob. Sacrifices will have to be made and, indeed, the excrement will fall via the Gravi-Drop method into the pant legs, but our studies have shown that people will learn to adapt and people will hardly notice the odor after a few days. We advise that you shouldn't wear clothes while in the suit, thus there won't be any socks to get soaked.

Q: Sorry to keep asking questions but won't the excretions at the base of the suit cause a health problem? You said the suits provide protection against bacterial agents, but fecal matter contains many harmful bacteria. -- Bob Ignots

A: You sure ask a lot of questions Bob, and it's getting rather annoying. Of course the suits are engineered to supply anti-bacterial agents into the suits that mix with the excretions to render them harmless. Don't worry.

Q: But wait a damn minute. I just don't like the idea of urine running down my leg. Can't we just choose not to wear the suit? Shouldn't citizens be allowed to choose their method of health and safety? -- Bob Ignots

A: Sorry Bob, but this will become the law. If you refuse, you risk not only your health but your life. Please let someone else ask a question, OK Bob?

Q: DAMNIT, I don't care about your stupid biohazard suit and laws! I don't want to look like some damn space clown. The thing looks ridiculous and I don't want to walk around all day with CRAP sloshing around my legs. And because of the transparent silver color, everyone will see our naked bodies covered with S--T. DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? HUH? -- Bob Ignots

A: Calm down Bob. Your profanity and refusal to wear the suit will force us to take action against you. Any more questions from others?

The press conference was disrupted after Mr. Ignots began flaying his arms and shouting obscenities. He was forcibly dragged out the building by armed police officers. The conference quickly ended and was concluded with the Pledge of Allegiance, the singing of "God Bless America" and a prayer.

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